Friday, May 28, 2010

This is Probably TMI, but I Left My Pride in the Stirrups

 Today was the day I hate the most of the entire year.  It's worse than Valentine's Day when you have no one.  With VDay, there's always next year.  With this day there's always next year, dammit.

No one, no one, likes to have their snatched poked at for non-recreational purposes.

At least I get to go to my family doctor's office where I've been going since I was born.  They already know everything, so I don't have to refill out my medical history all the effing time.

First there's the basic questions.  Discharge, pain, discomfort, etc.  Then the doctor gets to second base with you- A LOT- and then your feet you up in the stirrups.  And you have the urge to keep your knees together, but you can't.  And they always always tell you to relax.  But that's next to impossible.  Plus it feels like there's a draft.

For serious.  Guys don't even know.  I'd take "turn and cough" any day over playing "where's your cervix".  Most males are all "oh well we have to have the prostate exam blah blah blah".  Really?  REALLY?!  That takes a few seconds.  Meanwhile we've got to have our hoohahs propped open with a spotlight shining up there and a giant q-tip swirled around.  Every year.  FOREVER. 

Because you have to go.  Or they don't let you have your pills.  It's blackmail.  If you don't get your pills, then your eggo gets preggo and you have to go anyways so they can poke around "for the baby".

On the bright side, I did get the BC changed to the seasonal stuff.  High fives for no period all summer! It was almost worth it.

PS How does one make the life choice to look at vag all day?  Do you think gynos have a rating system?


  1. I thought I was prepared, but I really wasn't. I was sitting here squirming uncomfortably in my chair.

    But this must be the best time of year for you.. because it's the longest period of time before you have to go back.

  2. I think it's more of the delivering babies than looking at vag ... although, there are dr.s who are just gyns with no OB thrown in there so ... it's interesting? i dunno.

    and, for the record, i don't know about a rating system, but i'm pretty sure they probably talk about the nasty people, you know, people who don't bathe/have STDs that smell bad. possibly.

    i'm so procrastinating on my exam this year ... i know better, but i'm hemming and hawing over which dr. i want to see. what's nice is that i have time to do this (hem and haw, i mean), cause i got off the pill about a year ago because it was SO not working for me.

    i'm interested to know how that seasonal thing works out for you.

  3. I sat here reading and nodding the whole time. I swear if women ran the world there would be some less invasive way to check everything out down there.


    PS i like your euphemisms! :)

  4. Hi Beckles (visiting from over at The Bloggess), I'm kinda overdue for the old scrapey scrape downstairs, so thanks for the prompt.

    Do they really make you have an annual test if you're on the pill over in the US - and from a gyno? They don't here (NZ) - they just hand 'em out, no questions asked!

  5. I'm moving to New Zealand ASAP! Want to share a condo?