Wednesday, May 12, 2010

RIP Scott, You Are Missed

*Warning: This is a sad post.  If you want happy, or weird conversations, or pictures of yummy baked goods, I suggest you look elsewhere.  This is mostly cathartic because I've never written more than 2 lines about this.

**Also, there's so much I didn't cover in this, but my brain is so scattered and I don't have

There will always be things that trigger the thought of certain people.  The smell of pipe tobacco, or even cigars, always makes me think of my pop-pop (he smoked a pipe for a lot of my childhood).  Polka music reminds me of my grandpa because he liked to watch polka dancing (seriously) at like 7 am.

And "Ride Wit Me" by Nelly always makes me think of my cousin, Scott.  Most of the time I just smile and sing along, but yesterday I had a moment.  I tried my damnedest not to cry, but a little tear or two did escape.  The reason it hit me so hard was because tomorrow, Thursday May 13, is the third anniversary of his death.

Three years ago, on Mother's Day, Scott took his own life.  It was one of the most difficult things my family has ever been through, but somehow we got through it, and continue to deal with that tragedy. I will never be able to comprehend the thought and will that it takes to put a gun to your own head.  He did this in his family home, in his bedroom, while his parents were downstairs.  They didn't find him, though.  He had the foresight to call 911 himself from his cell phone beforehand.  A police officer showed up at the house and found him.  I am incredibly thankful that my aunt and uncle didn't have to see him like that. 

I still went to work for a few hours every day during the few days it took to get everything situated for the funeral.  I was opening that week, so I had to get up at 4 am.  Which was fine because I couldn't sleep anyway.  Arbor Mist and Tylenol PM was my new best friend.  I left work around 9 or 10 am and headed to my aunt's with the rest of my family.  We did our best to stay strong.  On the day of the funeral I've never seen so many people in my church.  It really was a testament to how well-liked Scott was.He was often the center of attention, but not because he was obnoxious.  He was funny, and kind, and loved his parents and family.

Death is difficult at any time.  But I think it's worse when it's unexpected.  I lost someone who I grew up with.  He was only a year younger than me.  We saw each other every week and went on vacation every summer when we were little.  We did grow apart some as we got older and life got in the way.  But it still hits me every once in a while that he's not at family occasions, he's not here on holidays, and he won't be at my or my brother's weddings.  

I will always think about Scott.  Sometimes I'll smile, and sometimes I'll cry.  And Nelly will always bring him to the forefront of my thoughts.

If you wanna go and take a ride wit me
We three-wheelin in the fo' with the gold D's
Oh why do I live this way? (Hey, must be the money!)

If you wanna go and get high wit me
Smoke a L in the back of the Benz-y
Oh why must I feel this way? (Hey, must be the money!)


  1. Sorry for your family's loss. I hope you found writing about it helped - just a little bit.

  2. I'm sorry for your loss.

    It's sad when someone reaches the point where they think that suicide is their only escape, and in the case of your cousin it sounds like a tremendous waste.